I thought that kindness mean that it always puts others, no matter what. Yes, when I wanted to say no. Giving more than I had to give. Ignoring my own needs just to just make another’s life easier.
I thought I am generous, compassionate, selfless. But over time, I started drunken, disagree, even annoyed. That’s when I realized. I was just kind. I was not healthy to me.
Goodness and self-sacrifice are not the same but easy to confuse them. And when you do, you may even not even notice the unhealthy patterns you fall.
Here are eight things you can do without implementing things that don’t actually make you more exhausted.
1) You apologize for things that are not your fault
Sorry? It’s probably one of the words you say to most, even when there is no reason.
Someone else makes a mistake. You apologize. Plans fall. You apologize. Someone is treated unfairly. Somehow, you still apologize.
You don’t try to blame. You just want to keep peace. But I’m constantly sorry for the items under your control, don’t make you more kind. It just makes you responsible for things that you will never be yours first to carry it.
Goodness does not mean to be comfortable with yourself to make others comfortable. It’s good to leave the fault that never starts.
2) You give more than you have, even when it hurts you
I thought being a good friend means to always show no matter what.
I remember once when I was completely burned by running almost sleep and emotionally dried. But when a friend called me late in the evening, he was upset with something that happened on that day, I did not delay when he stayed on the phone.
The next morning I could barely act. But I told myself that it was right to do what kind of kindness, isn’t it?
Not correct. The goodness does not mean that you cross your bounds yourself. If you constantly give more than you have, your time, your energy, your emotional bandwidth. You are just kind. You are ignoring yourself. And that’s not stable.
3) You are struggling to receive help from others
When someone needs something, you are the first to rise. You will rearrange your schedule, leave what you do and you are out of your help. No questions were asked.
But when the roles are reversed. It’s different. You brush the support offers to claim that you can settle on your own. Even when you are depressed, you tell yourself that you don’t want to be a burden.
The strange thing is that people are actually feeling closer to those who help them. It is called Benjamin Franklin Effect. When someone has a favor to you, they subconsciously start you more like.
So always refusing to help, you not only make yourself more difficult, but also more deeply connections with others.
4) You feel guilty to set boundaries
You know you need bounds? You have read about them, you have heard that people talk about them, maybe they even tried to set some. But every time you do that the familiar guilt crawls.
No selfish questions. Rejecting the request is worried about you. Your own needs is a priority for betrayal for the goodness you want to show others.
But the borders are not obstacles. They are guidelines for a healthy relationship. Without them, goodness turns into a commitment, and generosity turns into exhaustion. The people who really care about yourself will not disappear just because you start appreciating yourself too.
5) Do you tolerate behavior that should not
I was constantly excuses for people’s behavior.
If someone canceled plans, I told myself that they should be really busy. If a friend only needed something, I convinced myself that they still care. Even when someone spoke to me that I felt disrespectful, I brushed it. I didn’t want to overestimate or do awkward things.
But over time I realized that kindness should not mean more than I deserve. Allowing things to slide not to make me a better man. Just taught people that I put it back with something. Respect goes both forms and being kind does not mean ignoring someone doesn’t get you right.
6) You try to fix other people’s problems for them
It feels like doing it right. Someone who is interested in is struggling, so you jump to help. You offer solutions, take responsibutes, maybe even to handle things that they need to deal with.
But that’s what it is. It’s been constantly walking, it doesn’t always help. Sometimes, that’s actually the opposite.
People grow by working through their challenges, not to solve everything for them. When you take on their problems, you just don’t remove yourself, you can also keep them from developing their skills and trust.
Goodness is not about saving people. Sometimes, we are talking about standing next to them while they find out themselves.
7) Finally you put your own needs. Everytime
You tell yourself right now. Just this once. Just until the items are settled.
But somehow “right now” turns into a habit. You are bypassing dishes to complete the work for someone else. You cancel your plans because someone needs a favor. You push through consumption because there is always something more important than relaxing.
At some point, you need to ask yourself. When is my turn?
Goodness should not come to your own welfare account. If you never occupy a place for your own needs, no one will be. It is not selfish to care for yourself. This allows you to continue to show for others without losing in the process.
8) You establish your value to how much you do for others
Deep down, maybe not only help, because it’s right to do. You can help because it makes you feel necessary. Estimated worthy
If you are always on whom you rely on, it can start to feel that it is your role, your goal. But when your sense of value is connected to how much you give, you will continue to give, even when it’s too much, even when it doesn’t hurt you.
You are not valuable because you do what you do for others. You are valuable just because you exist.
The real goodness also includes yourself
I hope if you read this distance, you have started to realize that goodness does not mean to give until nothing left of you.
Because real goodness is not just about how you treat others. It also applies to how you treat yourself. Knowing that your needs are important as much as anyone else.
Understands that the boundaries set you selfish. And that realizes that your value is not determined how much you do for everyone.
People who really care about you just don’t want your sacrifices. They want, happy and completely. So maybe it’s time to start giving yourself the same kindness, you give them so much freely.