Imagine this. You do your best as a parent, setting rules, giving advice, and trying to keep peace in a home full of strong-willed personalities.
Then, out of nowhere, your child responds indignantly. “You never listen to me?” Sound familiar?
As a relationship expert and founder of the Love Connection blog, I’ve seen this scene play out in countless families.
The hard truth is that sometimes the things we do with the best intentions can actually make our children feel unheard or misunderstood, and over time this can turn into resentment.
But here’s the thing. you are not alone and it is not your fault.
It’s about recognizing small, everyday behaviors that can have a bigger impact than you realize.
In this article, we’ll explore what these behaviors are and, more importantly, how to change them for a more positive relationship with your children.
1) inappropriate discipline
In my experience as a relationship expert, I have noticed that children who grow up angry or hostile often have parents who are inconsistent with discipline.
Think about it. It is confusing for a child if behavior is acceptable one day and not the next.This inconsistency can cause resentment and hostility as children struggle to understand the seemingly arbitrary rules they must follow.
Inconsistency in discipline can make a child feel insecure and unsure of what is expected of him.This insecurity can manifest as resentment or hostility as the child grows up.
It’s important to remember that being consistent doesn’t mean being rigid. It means setting clear boundaries and sticking to them while being loving and understanding.
It’s not about being a strict parent, it’s about being reliable.Consistency provides a sense of security and predictability, which can help children grow up feeling safe and loved.
2) lack of emotional availability
As a mother myself, I know that parenting can sometimes feel like a juggling act.With the chaos of everyday life, it’s important not to overlook the importance of emotional availability.
Emotional availability is about being present and involved with your child’s feelings, which means listening to them, validating their feelings, and offering comfort or advice when needed.
The famous poet Maya Angelou once said: “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” This quote is especially true in the context of parenting.
Your child may not remember every word you said or every action you did. But they will always remember how you made them feel. If they constantly feel neglected or neglected, resentment and hostility may develop over time.
So make sure you’re there for your kids, not just physically, but also emotionally. Show them that their feelings matter to you.
3) excessive dependence
As a parent, it’s natural to want to protect your child from harm and hardship, but there’s a fine line between protection and fostering overdependence.
Overdependence occurs when parents do everything for their child without allowing them to learn basic life skills.This can lead to resentment and hostility as the child grows up feeling helpless or incompetent.
In my book, Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationships, I discuss how codependency can creep into our relationships, causing damage without us even realizing it.
The same principles apply to parents. Encouraging independence doesn’t mean leaving your child to figure things out on their own. It means being there to guide them while allowing them to learn and grow.
So the next time you’re tempted to do a task for your child that he’s capable of doing on his own, take a step back.
Allow them the opportunity to learn, grow and become self-reliant.This can not only prevent resentment and hostility, but also builds your child’s self-esteem and confidence.
4) Too much praise
Now this one may seem counterintuitive, isn’t praise a good thing after all? Well, yes, but only when it is used properly.
Many parents believe that showering their children with praise will boost their self-esteem and make them feel loved. However, too much praise can have the opposite effect.
When children are praised for every little thing they do, they may begin to question the sincerity of the praise.
Also, too much praise can create unrealistic expectations. Children may fear failure or making mistakes because they feel they have to live up to the constant praise they receive.
So while it’s important to acknowledge and celebrate your child’s accomplishments, remember to also appreciate their efforts and character.
5) lack of quality time
Between work, errands, and the hustle and bustle of everyday life, it can be easy to let quality time with our kids slip through the cracks.As a mom and relationship expert, I can vouch for how important this time really is.
Quality time is more than just being in the same room as your child, it’s about actively engaging with them, showing interest in their activities, and being in the moment.
Children who do not spend enough time with their parents may feel neglected or unimportant, which can lead to feelings of resentment and hostility.
So whether it’s a game of catch in the backyard, a family movie night, or just chatting about their day over dinner, make sure you spend some quality time with your child every day.
It is these moments that help nurture a strong parent-child bond and prevent negative feelings from taking root.
6) unresolved personal issues
This is a difficult issue, but it is important to address it.As parents, we are not perfect.
We carry our own baggage, our own unresolved issues from our past, and sometimes these can affect our parents.
Whether it’s unresolved anger, anxiety, or even our childhood experiences that we haven’t fully dealt with, they can inadvertently seep into our interactions with our children.
Children are perceptive and can pick up on these basic issues, even if we think we’re doing a good job of hiding them.
The truth is, in order to be the best parent we can be, we need to take a hard look at ourselves first.
It’s not easy to face our own demons.By doing this, you’re not only helping yourself, you’re also helping your child by breaking any negative cycles that may be passed on.
7) lack of empathy
Empathy is an important component of any relationship, and parenting is no exception. It’s about understanding and sharing your child’s feelings.
When parent-child relationships lack empathy, children can feel misunderstood and isolated, which can lead to resentment and hostility as they grow older.
I remember when my own daughter was going through a rough patch, I found that just sitting with her, acknowledging her feelings, and showing her that I understood made a world of difference.
By showing your child that you really care about their feelings, you not only validate their feelings, but you also create a nurturing and supportive environment.
8) not accepting mistakes
This is a challenge for many of us.As parents, we often feel the need to present our children as infallible.
But the truth is we are human and we make mistakes too.
Not admitting our mistakes can send a harmful message to our children. It can create an unrealistic expectation of perfection and make them feel like they are wrong.
On the other hand, when we admit our mistakes, we show our children that it’s okay to be imperfect. We teach them about responsibility and accountability, the importance of making amends.
Moreover, not admitting our mistakes can lead to resentment and hostility. Our children may feel that they are always to blame or that their feelings are not true.
So the next time you make a mistake, whether it’s losing patience or forgetting a promise, admit it.
Apologize sincerely and let your child see that everyone makes mistakes. It’s not the mistake itself that matters, but how we handle it.
Conclusion
Parenting is an incredible journey filled with joy, love and, yes, the occasional slip-up.
The behaviors we’ve discussed in this article aren’t meant to blame or shame anyone, they’re just common patterns that can cause resentment and hostility in children.
By recognizing and addressing these behaviors, we can develop healthier parent-child relationships.
If you want to dive deeper into the topic of addiction in relationships, you can check out my book, Break the Attachment: How to Overcome Codependency in Your Relationships.” It offers helpful insights into how to build stronger, healthier relationships with those we love.
After all, our goal as parents is to raise happy, healthy, and emotionally secure children, and sometimes that starts with looking inward and recognizing our own areas of Happy Parenting.