How we are raised shapes us in countless ways, and this is especially true when it comes to our mothers. When a mother is emotionally distant, it can have a profound effect on her daughter’s development.
Hi, I’m Tina Fey, founder of the Love Connection blog and a relationship expert.I’ve spent years studying the intricate dance between parents and their children, and I’ve noticed some startling patterns among women who were raised by emotionally distant mothers.
It’s not about blaming or guilting mothers. Rather, it’s about understanding the traits that can come from this type of parenting; qualities that can be both challenging and empowering.
In this article, I will share with you 8 characteristics commonly seen in women who were raised by emotionally distant mothers.My goal is not only to raise awareness, but to provide tools for healing and growth.
Let’s get started.
1) Emotional self-sufficiency
Women raised by emotionally distant mothers often learn early on to lean on themselves for emotional support.
This is not necessarily a negative trait. In fact, it can lead to impressive flexibility and independence. But like any trait, it has its downside.
These women may find it difficult to ask for help when they need it. They may have a hard time opening up to others or forming close relationships. They seem to have built a fortress around their feelings to keep themselves safe.
The key is to understand where this self-sufficiency comes from. It’s not about being aloof or indifferent; it’s a survival mechanism created in childhood.And with understanding comes the opportunity for growth and change.
Emotional self-sufficiency is just one trait you may see in women raised by emotionally distant mothers, but remember it’s not absolute. We’re all unique and our experiences shape us in different ways.
2) high sensitivity
Another trait often seen in women raised by emotionally distant mothers is heightened sensitivity.
This can manifest as being incredibly attuned to the moods and emotions of others, sometimes even to the point of being overwhelmed.They seem to have developed a sixth sense for emotional currents, perhaps as a coping mechanism from their early years.
Now this may sound familiar to you because it’s something I’ve personally experienced.Growing up with an emotionally distant mother, I found myself becoming hyper-aware of other people’s feelings, always trying to gauge the emotional temperature in the room.
But remember what the famous poet Maya Angelou said. “We may face many defeats, but we must not lose.” This heightened sensitivity, while overwhelming at times, can also be a powerful tool for compassion and connection if we learn to navigate it effectively.
Each feature has its own strengths and challenges. it’s all about perspective and how we choose to use it.
3) Struggle with intimacy
One of the more difficult traits that can come from having an emotionally distant mother is a struggle with intimacy.
This can manifest as difficulty forming close, meaningful relationships. There seems to be an invisible wall preventing them from fully letting others in, often rooted in fear of rejection or abandonment.
I’ve seen this trait many times in my work as a relationship expert, and I’ve even faced it personally.
In my book, Breaking the Attachment.
Intimacy is more than just a romantic relationship, it’s about making deep connections with the people around us, and while it can be a struggle for some, it’s definitely not an insurmountable obstacle.
4) Unexpected optimism
Now this may sound counterintuitive, but hear me out: Many women who were raised by emotionally distant mothers develop an amazing streak of optimism.
Despite the emotional obstacles they’ve had to overcome, these women often develop a positive attitude toward life. It’s as if they’ve learned to create their own sunshine, even when things seem bleak.
This optimism is not to ignore difficult things. far from it. It’s about accepting challenges and believing in the possibility of better days to come.
While it may seem strange to associate optimism with a difficult upbringing, it is a testament to the human spirit’s ability to find hope in adversity.
Your past can shape you, but it doesn’t have to define you.
5) perfectionism
Perfectionism is another trait that often appears in women raised by emotionally distant mothers.
The pursuit of perfection is a way of seeking approval, a validation that was often lacking in their early years. It is a relentless pursuit of being “good enough” to earn the love and attention they crave.
I have seen this play out in my life as I have often found myself striving for unattainable standards, always striving to be the best.It took me a while to realize that this was a pattern ingrained in my upbringing.
But the beauty of recognizing this trait is that it opens the door to self-love. It’s okay to strive for excellence, but it’s okay to be imperfect. Remember, you are enough just the way you are.
6) fear of abandonment
Let’s be real here: A common, raw truth for many women raised by emotionally distant mothers is a deep-rooted fear of abandonment.
This fear can be paralyzing, creating anxiety in relationships and a constant need for reassurance. It is a painful echo from the past, a stark reminder of the emotional absence they experienced in their formative years.
This fear can make them hold on too tightly to relationships, constantly worrying about being abandoned or rejected, a haunting shadow that can follow them into adulthood until they learn to accept and address it.
Acknowledging this fear is not a sign of weakness, it’s a step toward healing. It’s about facing the shadows and learning to dance with them, not letting them rule your life.
7) high achievers
Interestingly, many women who were raised by emotionally distant mothers tend to be high achievers, often excelling in their chosen fields out of an innate desire to prove their worth.
This drive can lead to remarkable achievements, but it can also lead to burnout if it’s not managed well. It’s a delicate balance that needs constant attention.
I know this all too well because I’ve been there.The desire to prove my worth led me down the path of achievement, but it drove me to the brink of exhaustion.
In the words of renowned author Brene Brown, “Belonging to our history can be difficult, but not as difficult as living our lives running from it.” This drive to achieve can be a powerful force if we learn to harness it rather than let it control us.
It’s okay to strive for success, but don’t forget to take care of yourself along the way.
8) Emotional numbness
It’s hard to talk about, but it’s important. Some women who were raised by emotionally distant mothers experience periods of emotional numbness.
It’s not a lack of emotion, but a defense mechanism to protect themselves from potential harm. It’s as if they’ve learned to shut down their emotions to avoid the pain of disappointment or rejection.
This emotional disconnect can make it difficult to form deep connections or fully experience the highs and lows of life. It’s a survival mechanism that served a purpose in their past but may no longer be useful in their present.
Facing this reality can be difficult, but remember, accepting it is the first step to healing. It’s learning to slowly let down our guards and experience life more fully. It may take time and patience, but it is a journey worth embarking on.
Conclusion
Understanding the impact of our parenting is a crucial step toward healing and growth.These eight traits are not definitive, but they provide some insight into the common experiences of women raised by emotionally distant mothers.
Remember that these traits are not weaknesses, they are simply responses to specific circumstances, and with understanding comes the power to reshape our narratives.
If you recognize these traits in yourself or a loved one, remember that it’s never too late to seek support and make changes. How to Overcome Cohesion in Your Relationship” provides practical strategies for navigating these challenges.
We are all more than the sum of our past experiences, and when we learn to understand and embrace our unique journey, we can find strength, resilience, and a deeper connection with ourselves and others.